The heading read: “I want to meet a man and become his boyfriend, this man must be:” – Note how I used the word “must”. It just reiterated that I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn’t willing to settle or compromise for anything less. The list contained 10 key attributes that this man would have to posses in order for me to want to have a relationship with him. You may ask how can I be this specific, this uncompromising about someone I expect to meet and fall in love with – the answer being that I know myself very well, so well in fact that I know exactly what I’m worth and exactly what I deserve.
The thing is that I despise going out to a gay bar to meet men – to be treated like a piece of meat or a fancy sports car on auction. For I would be considered a sports car to the men who know what I look like – just flip through a magazine – I’m the hot guy modelling the designer yeans with a pensive look on his face. Get the picture now? The only thing that separates me from an airhead model is just that – I’m not an airhead. I have one of the most sought after degrees in one of the most sought after industries. Now before you stop reading because I sound like a vain prick, give me a chance to explain.
I realised from a very young age that you can’t rely on your looks to get you through life – I’ve always treated people with the respect they deserved and I never thought that I was better than the next, but that doesn’t mean that I should settle for the next. I built myself - emotionally, intellectually and physically – those attributes belong to me, they are mine and just like them, my desires are mine. I could have written anything on that list and nobody would have had the right to judge me, because that is what I wanted - for me.
Needless to say, things happen when you least expect them. As I mentioned before, I hate going to gay bars to meet men, so I decided to try the online thing, not that I was expecting anything to come from it – after all, there is always a reason why people hide behind computer screens. One night I ended up chatting to a guy in his 30's… sorry, that’s all I got out of him – his age. No pics, no name. But the thing that made the idea of a possible meeting even more absurd to me was the fact that… Well he was married. I don’t quite know what came over me that night, but I decided to humour him and so we arranged to meet at a very established whiskey bar. I was at a complete disadvantage since he had seen pictures of my face and he knew my name – The plan was that he would recognise me and introduce himself. And that is exactly what happened although nothing could have quite prepared me for what I found that night.
He was the most handsome man that I had ever seen – he was very confident and completely straight acting, he had an amazing smile and big (and at that time I imagined rather soft) hands. In retrospect he had already hit the mark on 5 out of the 10 attributes on the list. We sat there for about two hours, just chatting about our lives and what we thought we wanted out of them. He gradually felt more comfortable with me and I was able to get his name and surname. I remember telling him that I really expected him to be a mess because he was a closeted married man. He explained to me that he had been aware of his sexuality for quite some time and that he had come out to his wife almost a year prior – he felt as though he needed to explore this side of him to find out what he wanted out of life and where he belonged. There was an instant attraction between us and on more than one occasion I would catch him staring at my eyes. I remember scrutinising him closely, from his face to his chest to the beaded string tied around his right hand – the very same one I am now wearing on my left. Perhaps the most vivid thing I remember was me telling myself “don’t fall in love with him – he’s married, you’re going to get hurt”, but like so many things in life, some things just happen.
Over the next month we spend rather allot of time together (although we only saw each other about three times a week, he gave me more attention and quality time than I have had in any of my prior 3 relationships.) I remember him asking me several times if I thought he was enough for me, I always said yes although he was always very hesitant to believe me – then one night I remembered that I had written a list. I took it out and we read it together on my bed. I hadn’t looked at it in ages and couldn’t even remember what it said anymore. Reading over it once more I realised that this was him, the man sitting next to me on the bed was the man I had been dreaming of for such a long time, the man I had been hoping would come and sweep me off my feet.
I’ve never really liked buying people gifts as it seemed very impersonal, I’m also a professional artist on the side so I enjoyed making things for him – Origami frogs stuffed with little love notes, 36 Chinese lucky stars with caring thoughts I had of him in the last 36 hours, but the most meaningful gift I made for him was a beautiful sketch of two hands cradling something and how it symbolised how I promised to hold him in my hands like sand, not squeezing too tightly or the sand would come spilling out the sides. Although all these things were very time consuming to make, I loved making them – because I was making it for him and knew that he would find them special.
Sometimes people get so caught up in their own lives that they forget to show love to those around them. After all – at the end of the day he is still a married man. Last week he told me that it would be best if we didn’t pursue this any further, for he was developing true feelings for me. Something I didn’t quite grasp at first, but then realised that he can’t live in two worlds. He would want nothing more than to give me the love and attention that I deserve, but right now, at this stage in his life – he can’t.
I know what you’re going to say – I’m still young and I’ll find someone better, but the truth is that you’re wrong. For I’m a very good looking guy and I’d be right in saying that there are very few men that wouldn’t be ecstatic to date me. The truth is that the gay world (haha – that’s actually an ironic statement, because the gay world is anything but gay) is a place filled with men who have no self worth, who move from bed to bed, man to man and conveniently medicate themselves with all kinds of substances as soon as this reality starts to sink in for them, it’s vain and cold and filled with people with so many unresolved issues that they are left empty shells of their former selves. So again I say no, no I won’t find anyone else that fits my needs, because he is the most amazing, caring and loving person that I have ever known – He has a gentleness to him that makes me feel like nothing bad could ever happen to me while he’s with me…
We met one last time on Sunday at the place it all began. I asked if we cold drive up the mountain and watch the city lights below, since he never wanted me to drive up there alone. He was always very protective of me, I always found it very sweet that he cared so much. We had gone up there once before and it is still one of the happiest memories I have. There I gave him the last gift I made. It was a paper globe I designed containing the two fortunes we got from the fortune cookies we had a few weeks ago and a note that read as follows:
“When you find a man that makes you smile, makes you happy, makes you completely calm inside when you think of him and feel safer than you ever have when he holds you – You don’t just let that man walk out of your life. You fight for him without expecting anything in return. You wait, you hold out - until just maybe, one day, he turns around and says thank you, thank you for sticking with me, thank you for not giving up.”
“When I realised that, I realised that I had to put my wants aside, that I was willing to give up my own fortune – if it meant that you could have yours, if it meant that one day you could have that happy ending you missed out on the first time around. And maybe, just maybe one day you’d turn around and thank me for waiting, for sticking around, for not giving up on what I believed to be my very own happy ending.”
