My turn to hold

I have to admit – that contrary to some of my posts, I do not show attention to every man that I come across. In fact, there is one man in particular that I have been bumping into quite allot over the last few months – Tall, dark hair, intelligent and very handsome, but for some reason I never really took any interest in him.

If you take the time to read through my previous posts, you would see how much I had done for the men in my life, how I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness for that of theirs. But why was this man so different then, why was I treating him so different to all the other men whom have crossed my path? I honestly could not answer that question, after all, with everything he had to offer, he was in fact the perfect catch – Someone who could give me everything that I have ever wanted, and yet, I wasn’t willing to invest any of my time in this man. I actually remember seeing him at the store last week – standing in the frozen food section I must have stared at his reflection in one of the mirrors for a good two minutes trying not to let him see me looking, but then our eyes met - and he had this look on his face. A look that just said “hold me” – in all honesty I thought he looked rather pathetic. I didn’t take much notice after that and carried on shopping.

Even in my previous relationships I have never taken too well to emotional weakness on my partners’ side. And even though I have cried and felt a deep need to be held by my partner, the idea of me having to comfort another emotionally distressed man has never appealed to me. There may be plenty of contributing factors to this, most of all being the fact that I have never had a partner any younger than 30 years of age – and being the younger one in the relationship it would seem natural to feel a certain sense of comfort and security with an older man. I couldn’t quite put my finger on his age though – it was as if his outward appearance was hinting to a young man, but his emotional state seemed that of someone much older.

I couldn’t understand why I was willing to take up so much of my time making elaborate gifts, writing caring notes and setting up romantic dinners for men who haven’t been in my life for all that long – but I wasn’t willing to show the least bit of interest in this man, this man that clearly wanted to know me, wanted to be part of my life and ultimately wanted the same thing that I have been wanting for so long – To be in the arms of another man, to feel safe, loved and just to be held. It turns out we truly do have allot in common.

You see, the man that I’ve been seeing so much of lately is in fact me. I see my reflection a couple of times a day and see that man staring back – I was so focussed on the outside, looking at the superficial exterior and never taking the time to get to know the person inside. The person begging for me to take interest in myself, to show myself the kindness, love and respect that I have shown men who can be compared to strangers.

It took me such a long time to realise how fragile that part of me really is – to admit that I do need looking after, but that waiting for another man to fulfil that need would be pointless if I do not take the first steps in picking myself up when I fall, holding myself when I get scared, telling myself that I am loved and knowing that I could never let myself down.