Straighten up

I have gotten so much feedback about the fact that I allowed myself to develop feelings for a married man – after all, aren’t there clearly defined lines between the gay world and that of the straight?

To be honest – It doesn’t even shock me anymore to walk into a gay bar and find that more than a handful of men are in fact there with their wives enjoying a night out. It all comes down to the very old principle of labelling – to label someone as either gay or straight seems to put people at ease, as if both terms have a completely different set of rules. Just as some people often say that being gay doesn’t define them, there are in fact others that say that it does – that someone could not look at them without seeing their state of sexuality. I am not a believer of the latter, after all, it would be unfair to expect people to treat you differently as a result of your sexuality.

As to why I choose to date essentially straight men – It really does all come down to a feeling that I’ve never really been able to explain. The best way I can describe it is by referring to the phrase “I love you” - It gets tossed around so often in relationships these days, and ultimately loses its meaning after a while. I find that gay men who are more straight by nature are rather guarded with their emotions – which might make it hard to develop a relationship at first. You see, even after entering into a relationship, the macho act never quite falls away, but every so often I have found myself completely speechless when a guy would hold the door for me or decide to prepare dinner – those little things are what make relationships all worth it for me at the end of the day. Sure, I could be with someone who would do these kinds of things all the time, but just like those three words, you start to take them for granted – until they eventually lose their special meaning. Although I can only speak for myself and how I experience relationships, I do sometimes feel that less is more – I know I am at my happiest when a man does something for me from the kindness of his heart and not because he is expected to.

One doesn’t fall in love with someone because they are gay or straight, after all – when the label makes you itch, just rip it off. People fall in love with people, irrelevant of age, race or sexuality. The choices people make behind closed doors might out right shock you, but why? Is it really that shocking that one man may find comfort in the arms of another, to want to feel close to someone, to feel safe and ultimately, to feel loved? No, no it is not shocking at all – these are things we all want to experience and whom we choose to experience them with should remain completely irrelevant.

So yes – I might view life a little differently to what others perceive to be reality, and that’s okay. A relationship shouldn’t be treated as a scale being kept in balance – I have learnt that giving without expecting anything in return can often lead to the greatest reward of all, as an unexpected act of love has a far greater impact than an anticipated requirement. Irrelevant of your sexuality – Love is something that should be felt without having to be said, but most importantly, to be experienced – Between anyone.

The price of admission

I have always loved roller coasters – but for me the best part was always the steep incline at the beginning. Feeling the adrenaline start to kick in and the anticipation of what’s to come. This is what dating in the gay world feels like to me. It’s all very exiting at first, the thrill of meeting someone new, the anticipation of what’s to come – Then comes that mother of a drop.

I think allot of people have a misperception about dating in the gay world – They stand at a distance, admiring the rollercoaster and think to themselves how much fun it must be to actually ride it, blissfully ignoring the screams of the riders – not even glancing twice at the warning sign telling them that the park will not be responsible for any injury.

Finding variety is a thing of the past when gay dating runs on a pre-determined track. Sure – the firsts few times are really enjoyable and give you a few thrills, as you meet new people, experience new things - and as the ride ends you rush back to the start of the que to ride again. But after a few times the ride isn’t so much fun anymore – You know where every twist and turn is, you anticipate every drop and when it’s all over you are left feeling nauseous and exhausted. I have gotten on that ride many times, enjoyed the first few thrills and surprises, but to be honest – I have reached the point of exhaustion – where one more ride might just lead to nausea.

Many people have shared their input with me, regarding what role your looks play in finding the type of guy that fits your image of the perfect man. Let me explain this by referring to that same rollercoaster. You arrive at the front of the line, subtly check out your reflection at the operating booth window (okay, maybe I’m the only one that does that) and then you get on the ride. The point is that it really doesn’t matter what you looked like before you got into your seat – because when that camera snaps a picture of you at the first drop – you’re going to look like crap no matter how you spin it. And that’s okay – you purchase the picture anyway, not because you liked the way your face looked, but because it holds a special memory, possibly with the person that was sitting next to you. The way someone looks is a very important part of starting a relationship as it’s all about attraction and chemistry, but after a while you start to look past all that – you get to wake up next to someone and still find yourself madly in love with them even though their teeth aren’t brushed and their hair is a mess. At first you fall in love with what you can see, what a person looks like and what they choose to show you, but after a while you start to love with more than your eyes, you start to love with your heart – The unfortunate truth is, that although this is exactly how I function, other good looking men do not and for those, the ride will be at it’s best before the photo is even taken.

At a mere 23 people look at me and ask how can I be so opinionated – so cynical to everyone around me. I respond by saying that I wish someone had told me all these things before I started dating men – Although I am pleased with the experiences I have had, it has left me wondering what advantages being gay really holds for someone. Most good looking men are like thrill junkies (read: junkies) who are always looking for the next big thing. I hear it time and time again – How after as little as a few months one partner decides to stray in search of the next big thing. You’d think the other party would choose not to stand for it, but the truth is that gay dating is so daunting, so time consuming and at the end of the day utterly soul diminishing that one would rather stay in the relationship than have to go to the back of the que to ride again.

From the outside the gay world can look like a fun ride – although the reality leaves much to be desired. When everyone else is giving a less than stellar performance I find it hard pressed to even care enough to try. After all, I was a rollercoaster enthusiast once upon a time – but now I find myself refunding my admission fee…

Sad endings and new beginnings

For those of you who read my very first blog entry – I talked about how I met the man of my dreams and how I promised to wait for him, till he was in the right space to pursue a relationship with me. A few days ago I had a very real conversation with him – He told me how good he felt to finally be free after years of being married. Not knowing much about the gay world he would like to find out who he is, to explore what’s out there and to discover what it is he wants. After all – what would be the point to end one relationship just to jump into another. I couldn’t understand why he would give up on us, something that wasn’t broken and didn’t need fixing – he replied in response of my first post “the list”. Telling me that I have lived, I have found myself and I have learned enough from the gay world to write that list – How he would also like to be able to say he lived, that he explored what’s out there and finally write a list of his very own.

Even though it makes me very sad that I have to let go of someone that I cared for so deeply, I know deep down that he is doing the right thing – that he will emerge on the other side, even stronger and more amazing than he is now. I don’t know if our paths will cross in the future, all that I hope for is that his journey will be filled with amazing people, people who will show him the kindness and love that he deserves, that will see the gentleness in him and know never to take him for granted.

I’m tearing up as I’m writing this not only because I have lost out on love, but because I have to insert myself into the gay world once more – To make myself available and wade through a huge number of men who simply do not meet my needs and what I’m searching for in a relationship.

I know I always talk about how I could have any man I want and although that may be true – I do not want any man. It is always hard to meet men. Sure, there is clubbing, online dating and if you’re like me even a random hello to a stranger in the shopping centre (I wouldn’t attempt that last one if your gaydar isn’t spot on though.) With the marvels of modern technology, the dating world has become like a shopping brochure. You can go online and browse through thousands of single men – making choices on colour, size and even price range. I never have found any of this very appealing, the idea of dating someone that has their picture splashed all over a website somewhere for others to fawn over really does put me off. After all, you don’t want to date every man’s man – a relationship is sacred and should be treated as such. Then again there are those who approach online dating with dignity – opting for a coffee date rather than cyber sex, or only sending a face pic on request.

I know I’ve always done the best I could in my relationships – I know I’ve always been selfless, caring and kind, that I’ve always put the other persons needs before mine and always strived to make them happy. As such I can look back and say that I do not regret doing the things I did and having the experiences I had. It is true that the pain one feels after a relationship has ended is excruciating, but at the end of the day the time you were able to spend with the one you loved and all the happiness you shared – far outweighs the pain. All we can do is move forward, embrace the pain and never forget the times we were held, we were safe, we were loved…

- To me he will always be my big man -

Of Racehorses and Donkeys

Ever heard the expression that every relationship comprises of one racehorse and one donkey? I mean, if you put two racehorses in the same stable - they'd kick the shit out of each other. Just look at Tom and Nicole, Bruce and Demi – the list goes on. But now that begs the question – which one are you, the racehorse or the donkey?

This question is extremely hard for me to answer, because I certainly am not a donkey – which would make me a racehorse, but that would mean that I would have to date a donkey. See the problem? I believe that this expression would in the traditional sense refer to success and which person in the relationship is the breadwinner. That’s all well and good, but doesn’t really apply to me. Now contradictory to what you may have assumed about me in previous posts, I’m not looking for a man to support me financially – and while I’m still looking for a successful man, in a relationship it’s not a competition between whon is better looking, who can make more money or who has the most pull in a relationship for that matter.

For me the expression means something deeper – for me it refers to emotional wealth. I would have to say that emotionally I am very strong and while wisdom may come with age, maturity does not. I might only be 23 on the outside, but have the maturity of a 30 year old. I have heard it so many times – that I am an extremely sorted young man, that I know exactly what I want and where I’m going. So that has to make me a racehorse right?

Well no, it’s not that simple – allow me to explain. Given my state of emotional maturity I also seek a man with the same level of maturity, someone that, to me, feels like we are connecting on the same level. Another racehorse then? So it seems like we are back at the start with some violent horse on horse action - not quite. Remember when I said one shouldn’t compromise – well, I was revering to the type of man you would like to date (emphasis on would like to). So now that you have the man of your dreams the hard part begins. A relationship isn’t a walk in the park – It is full of compromises around every corner, after all, relationships are at their best when both parties are happy. I believe this is something I do very well in a relationship – For what makes me the happiest is to see my partner happy, even if it means that I have to compromise on what I want.

What I’m trying to say is that it is possible for two racehorses to be in a relationship – It’s all about balance. I can’t be strong all the time – it’s not humanly possible, and in those times I would like to have someone to hold and care for me as I play the role of the donkey so to speak, just as I would do the same for my partner. In the gay world people are so use to labelling others and then placing them into a certain box, but just because that’s the way it is doesn’t mean that that’s the way it should be. People can’t be defined as one thing or another – we are complex beings, we adapt to our environment and what is a relationship if not another unique environment.

*Dry clean only

Ever notice how many limitations are put on the way you care for your clothes - But who really takes the time to read the label anyway. The same thing applies to the gay world – Let’s say you’re reading the paper while having a coffee at the local Vida Café, you spot a really good looking guy sitting a few tables away. What do you do? A.) You can’t contain yourself and pounce all over him. B.) You play it cool, smile and wait for him to make the first move. C.) You forget there’s an option B and pounce anyway. The correct answer would be – Read the label!

Now while option B may seem like the best thing to do in this situation – it very rarely shows results since the other guy will probably also pick option B resulting in two very good looking men staring at each other for the best part of the morning. The first thing to do would be to figure out exactly what his label says, it will entail how he would like to be handled – so keep your hormones in check and read it!

It might say - I’ve just gotten out of a five year relationship and I’m just looking for some fun, it might say - he’s really cute and I wouldn’t mind getting to know him, hell it might even say – I can’t stand homosexuals but my therapist says I should just control my anger and smile. So it should be very clear that misreading a label can land you in a very difficult situation. But this dilemma works both ways – You need to make damn sure what it is your own label actually reads, since the hardest thing is not to figure out what the other person wants, but to decide what it is that you want. Have you healed after your previous break-up, are you mature enough to handle casual sex without getting attached – These things should be considered carefully.

The most common problem in gay society is that people are very unclear on what they want – the phrase “let’s take it slow and see what happens” is one to be very weary of as it usually means that the other person is not ready to enter into a relationship with you. I’m not saying that nothing can come from taking things at a slow pace, but the first few weeks of a relationship are crucial as this is the time wherein you get to know each other and whether or not you would be compatible to pursue a long term relationship – meeting for a drink once every two weeks certainly won’t do. You’re time is just as valuable as someone else’s, so decide if he is worth taking a chance on and waiting for – otherwise move on.

As useful as reading a label can be, it only provides short term clarity. As per my previous post, a label wouldn’t be able to tell you if someone is successful by the clothes they wear (I wouldn’t advise following him to his car to see what he drives as stalking is a major turn off), labels also don’t say much about someone’s personality, as wanting to have a relationship is not a personality trait. With all these things to consider – where do you start.

In my experience it’s better to discard the label all together, take a chance and leap – Choose option A and walk over to the handsome man in the corner, introduce yourself irrelevant of what you think you may know about him. Who cares if he shoots you down, tomorrow there will be another good looking guy sitting right there in the same spot.

I need a Rolex to know what the time is

A Question I get asked allot is whether I would date a man who isn’t very good looking, but has allot of money – or a very good looking man who has very little money. I usually respond by saying that it’s not the fact that someone has money that makes them attractive, it’s the reason they have money that does. I have always had a weakness for successful men – men that have worked hard to be where they are today and that is exactly why they have the money to show for it.

Someone very close to my heart once told me that success isn’t always measured in the amount of money that you’ve been able to make throughout your live – that there are plenty of ways to show your success. I am in two minds about the matter – wouldn’t you want to better yourself or your life as you get more successful? Wouldn’t you want to live in a nice house and drive a nice car – because I’m sure 99% of people would answer yes to that question and that alone should make you wonder if saying “I am successful, but the money isn’t all that important” maybe is just a nicer way of saying “I’m not really all that successful yet…”

As to whether I would choose a man with money above one with looks – I would not. For me it is the whole package. Partake in it all or have none of it seems to be the way I approach so many things in life. Growing up I remember asking my mother to buy me a certain type of lets say ice cream – I like chocolate and vanilla (no pun intended), but not strawberry. She is the type of person who would compromise and buy strawberry if they were out of chocolate and vanilla. So although I’m grateful that she made the effort to go to the store, I’m not happy with the compromise – I would rather have done without the ice cream all together than have to eat something I dislike. The same thing applies here – I’d like to date a specific type of guy or rather not date at all.

I’m not being bias by saying this as the same principle most probably applies to all other men – They may either like what I have to offer or they might not. Some may even be willing to compromise – but that alone tells me that they are not the type of guy for me. I don’t think anyone should ever look at their partner and think that they could have done better, irrelevant of whether or not they could. For me – I look at how attractive someone is, whether they are successful and then comes the personality. I wouldn’t date a man with just one or two of these things, because to me all three are important.

It is of course very important to take each guy on a case to case basis – Some men compensate for their looks with a nice car, others think that a gorgeous face will land them a well paid acting career. Spotting these flaws in human behaviour has always been essential for me in finding the right guy. There is just something about meeting a handsome, successful, kind and loving man that likes you for you – and when he tells you how amazing you are, you know it’s real, because he is at the top of his game, he could have chosen anyone else, but he chose you. Nothing in the world comes close to that feeling.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to go out and explore what combination of looks, success and personality makes your perfect man, but I can assure you that when one is missing, the other two will never be able to compensate – So I dare you to say these three sentences to yourself now : “I don’t want a man that is good looking” “I don’t want a successful man” “I don’t want a man with an amazing personality” – I bet if you just said that you might be thinking twice about a relationship you’re in or one you want to be in. I’m not saying that you should nit pick on looks like I do - as I’m specific on height, hair length, teeth and hands.

So if I can leave you with one last thought it would be to never compromise, know your worth and tell yourself you deserve the man of your dreams – there will always be someone better out there, but the question is whether or not you will find them in your lifetime – So appreciate what you have without having to compromise and your happy ending is right around the corner…