Sad endings and new beginnings

For those of you who read my very first blog entry – I talked about how I met the man of my dreams and how I promised to wait for him, till he was in the right space to pursue a relationship with me. A few days ago I had a very real conversation with him – He told me how good he felt to finally be free after years of being married. Not knowing much about the gay world he would like to find out who he is, to explore what’s out there and to discover what it is he wants. After all – what would be the point to end one relationship just to jump into another. I couldn’t understand why he would give up on us, something that wasn’t broken and didn’t need fixing – he replied in response of my first post “the list”. Telling me that I have lived, I have found myself and I have learned enough from the gay world to write that list – How he would also like to be able to say he lived, that he explored what’s out there and finally write a list of his very own.

Even though it makes me very sad that I have to let go of someone that I cared for so deeply, I know deep down that he is doing the right thing – that he will emerge on the other side, even stronger and more amazing than he is now. I don’t know if our paths will cross in the future, all that I hope for is that his journey will be filled with amazing people, people who will show him the kindness and love that he deserves, that will see the gentleness in him and know never to take him for granted.

I’m tearing up as I’m writing this not only because I have lost out on love, but because I have to insert myself into the gay world once more – To make myself available and wade through a huge number of men who simply do not meet my needs and what I’m searching for in a relationship.

I know I always talk about how I could have any man I want and although that may be true – I do not want any man. It is always hard to meet men. Sure, there is clubbing, online dating and if you’re like me even a random hello to a stranger in the shopping centre (I wouldn’t attempt that last one if your gaydar isn’t spot on though.) With the marvels of modern technology, the dating world has become like a shopping brochure. You can go online and browse through thousands of single men – making choices on colour, size and even price range. I never have found any of this very appealing, the idea of dating someone that has their picture splashed all over a website somewhere for others to fawn over really does put me off. After all, you don’t want to date every man’s man – a relationship is sacred and should be treated as such. Then again there are those who approach online dating with dignity – opting for a coffee date rather than cyber sex, or only sending a face pic on request.

I know I’ve always done the best I could in my relationships – I know I’ve always been selfless, caring and kind, that I’ve always put the other persons needs before mine and always strived to make them happy. As such I can look back and say that I do not regret doing the things I did and having the experiences I had. It is true that the pain one feels after a relationship has ended is excruciating, but at the end of the day the time you were able to spend with the one you loved and all the happiness you shared – far outweighs the pain. All we can do is move forward, embrace the pain and never forget the times we were held, we were safe, we were loved…

- To me he will always be my big man -