My turn to hold

I have to admit – that contrary to some of my posts, I do not show attention to every man that I come across. In fact, there is one man in particular that I have been bumping into quite allot over the last few months – Tall, dark hair, intelligent and very handsome, but for some reason I never really took any interest in him.

If you take the time to read through my previous posts, you would see how much I had done for the men in my life, how I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness for that of theirs. But why was this man so different then, why was I treating him so different to all the other men whom have crossed my path? I honestly could not answer that question, after all, with everything he had to offer, he was in fact the perfect catch – Someone who could give me everything that I have ever wanted, and yet, I wasn’t willing to invest any of my time in this man. I actually remember seeing him at the store last week – standing in the frozen food section I must have stared at his reflection in one of the mirrors for a good two minutes trying not to let him see me looking, but then our eyes met - and he had this look on his face. A look that just said “hold me” – in all honesty I thought he looked rather pathetic. I didn’t take much notice after that and carried on shopping.

Even in my previous relationships I have never taken too well to emotional weakness on my partners’ side. And even though I have cried and felt a deep need to be held by my partner, the idea of me having to comfort another emotionally distressed man has never appealed to me. There may be plenty of contributing factors to this, most of all being the fact that I have never had a partner any younger than 30 years of age – and being the younger one in the relationship it would seem natural to feel a certain sense of comfort and security with an older man. I couldn’t quite put my finger on his age though – it was as if his outward appearance was hinting to a young man, but his emotional state seemed that of someone much older.

I couldn’t understand why I was willing to take up so much of my time making elaborate gifts, writing caring notes and setting up romantic dinners for men who haven’t been in my life for all that long – but I wasn’t willing to show the least bit of interest in this man, this man that clearly wanted to know me, wanted to be part of my life and ultimately wanted the same thing that I have been wanting for so long – To be in the arms of another man, to feel safe, loved and just to be held. It turns out we truly do have allot in common.

You see, the man that I’ve been seeing so much of lately is in fact me. I see my reflection a couple of times a day and see that man staring back – I was so focussed on the outside, looking at the superficial exterior and never taking the time to get to know the person inside. The person begging for me to take interest in myself, to show myself the kindness, love and respect that I have shown men who can be compared to strangers.

It took me such a long time to realise how fragile that part of me really is – to admit that I do need looking after, but that waiting for another man to fulfil that need would be pointless if I do not take the first steps in picking myself up when I fall, holding myself when I get scared, telling myself that I am loved and knowing that I could never let myself down.

Love conditionally

This morning when I went to the store I saw a chocolate I haven’t had since I was a kid – having memories of how good it tasted, I couldn’t resist buying it. Taking the first bite, I expected it to be sweet, to take me back to my childhood when I enjoyed it so – But the reality left much to be desired. Instead I was left with the taste of an artificial reproduction of a once wonderful thing – you see, like so many things over the last few years, the candy industry too has sold out. With inflation and competitive markets being what they are these days – everyone wants to be in the better position and make a profit, replacing ingredients and labour with cheaper, more cost effective alternatives. This ultimately results in a product that is neither desirable, nor enjoyable and at the end of the day, utterly worthless.

The same can be seen in the gay world of today – what was once a wondrous expression of love between two human beings has transgressed into little more than a consumer product – causing our wants to far outweigh our needs. Today it is harder to be a gay man in society than ever before. If you had to compare it to a time when being openly gay was not acceptable – where two people whom found one another would be so grateful for each day that they could spend together, because they knew what they had wasn’t the norm, it was something spectacularly special and had to be cherished. But things have changed – a huge amount of profit is being made off the gay community, being clubs, online dating and spas that cater specifically to our “needs”. Finding a date for Friday night requires little more than a few clicks of the mouse and perhaps a well edited profile.

We simply do not appreciate the people in our lives anymore, looking at what we could have rather than what we have now. I will be the first to come forward and admit that I am one of those people – I remember being in a previous relationship with a man who clearly adored me, who wanted nothing more than my happiness. But it turned out I was no different to any of the other consumers, looking at the other products on display. You see, I though I could do better, I thought that I deserved more – and one day I left, thinking that with my looks, my smarts and my personality I could have any other man I wanted. But I failed to take into account today’s failing economy – where men are in fact made up of inferior quality ingredients and below par labour, no matter how attractive the packaging looks.

We all tell our partners that we love them, that we care for them and we will always protect them, but these are all lies. Because when the relationship ends and even before, we are cushioned by the idea that there will be twenty other men lined up and ready to take the last one’s place. I don’t even remember the last time I spoke to my ex, the man I said I loved, that I cared for and that I would protect. Being single for almost two years now has given me plenty of time to think about these things – assuring myself that I would do things right the next time around, that I would never again take a man for granted. And although this honest approach has left me with so much heartache the last few months I can only hope that I will one day find a man with the same honesty in his heart.

At the end of the day we are all heartless – we leave the ones we once loved behind in search for the possibility of something more, we say that we still care and that we are still there, but we don’t and we are not – we are liars. I do sometimes wonder if life wouldn’t perhaps have been easier if being gay was still unacceptable, still frowned upon – Because then, when you found someone you really cared for, when you told them you loved them and when you promised to protect them – You might actually have meant it.

Taking the leap

Someone recently commented on one of my posts explaining how they didn’t quite know how they, after all the pain and disappointment in their lives, could move forward. I myself have been confronted with this question – being referred to as still being young, that my life will be filled with so much more disappointment and heartache.

“Learn from your mistakes and move forward” seems to be a phrase thrown around all too often. Learn from what exactly? That all nice guys turn out to be liars? That giving a relationship your all only leads to disappointment? There really is nothing to learn from, at least not anything you can apply in a future relationship since no two people are the same – you are left back at the start with no consolation prize – Face it, you lost. Of course it does all depend on how much you invested in the relationship to start with. I find that very few people give relationships their all, as if refusing to commit to what may or may not happen – Then there are others who invest way too much and it is they whom are left destroyed when a relationship doesn’t work out, while the other party walks away with little more than a few restaurant bills. But how do you get on with your life, how do you once again risk your love and your sanity for the possibility of a happy ending.

I doubt there are any people who can’t find at least one or two scars on their body somewhere. I know I have my fair share, and looking at one of them will naturally trigger a memory of the time you attained it. Just like the scar, the memory will never fade – It will be a part of you until the day you die. The same can be said about emotional scars – no matter how hard you try and conceal them, they will still remain visible. Sure plastic surgeons can lesson the appearance of a scar, just as a phycologist can lesson an emotional one. But scars are for the most part – permanent.

And yet we are still told that falling and getting hurt is a part of life, that you need to pick yourself up and try again, but did you bother to look at how beat up I actually am after that fall? I am not disputing that people don’t get hurt, but that doesn’t mean that it is a natural progression. I know I’m young, but life isn’t a competition to see how many times you can have your heart broken, the challenge is in finding the right guy and avoiding the process all together. I often dream of the day when I will be able to step off my ledge, without having to worry that I will smash into the pavement below – that maybe, just this one time, someone will catch me. Although it’s true that scars build character and are regarded as sexy, too many can be rather unsightly – and that idea has been stopping me from stepping off the ledge lately.

In a way I consider myself lucky – There are in fact those who don’t open their hearts, who dangle their feet off the edge, but are too chicken shit to jump down. To be honest, I pity those, because I know that in opening my heart and giving it my all, in closing my eyes and taking the leap – that I am a hell of a lot closer to finding love than they will ever be.

Straighten up

I have gotten so much feedback about the fact that I allowed myself to develop feelings for a married man – after all, aren’t there clearly defined lines between the gay world and that of the straight?

To be honest – It doesn’t even shock me anymore to walk into a gay bar and find that more than a handful of men are in fact there with their wives enjoying a night out. It all comes down to the very old principle of labelling – to label someone as either gay or straight seems to put people at ease, as if both terms have a completely different set of rules. Just as some people often say that being gay doesn’t define them, there are in fact others that say that it does – that someone could not look at them without seeing their state of sexuality. I am not a believer of the latter, after all, it would be unfair to expect people to treat you differently as a result of your sexuality.

As to why I choose to date essentially straight men – It really does all come down to a feeling that I’ve never really been able to explain. The best way I can describe it is by referring to the phrase “I love you” - It gets tossed around so often in relationships these days, and ultimately loses its meaning after a while. I find that gay men who are more straight by nature are rather guarded with their emotions – which might make it hard to develop a relationship at first. You see, even after entering into a relationship, the macho act never quite falls away, but every so often I have found myself completely speechless when a guy would hold the door for me or decide to prepare dinner – those little things are what make relationships all worth it for me at the end of the day. Sure, I could be with someone who would do these kinds of things all the time, but just like those three words, you start to take them for granted – until they eventually lose their special meaning. Although I can only speak for myself and how I experience relationships, I do sometimes feel that less is more – I know I am at my happiest when a man does something for me from the kindness of his heart and not because he is expected to.

One doesn’t fall in love with someone because they are gay or straight, after all – when the label makes you itch, just rip it off. People fall in love with people, irrelevant of age, race or sexuality. The choices people make behind closed doors might out right shock you, but why? Is it really that shocking that one man may find comfort in the arms of another, to want to feel close to someone, to feel safe and ultimately, to feel loved? No, no it is not shocking at all – these are things we all want to experience and whom we choose to experience them with should remain completely irrelevant.

So yes – I might view life a little differently to what others perceive to be reality, and that’s okay. A relationship shouldn’t be treated as a scale being kept in balance – I have learnt that giving without expecting anything in return can often lead to the greatest reward of all, as an unexpected act of love has a far greater impact than an anticipated requirement. Irrelevant of your sexuality – Love is something that should be felt without having to be said, but most importantly, to be experienced – Between anyone.

The price of admission

I have always loved roller coasters – but for me the best part was always the steep incline at the beginning. Feeling the adrenaline start to kick in and the anticipation of what’s to come. This is what dating in the gay world feels like to me. It’s all very exiting at first, the thrill of meeting someone new, the anticipation of what’s to come – Then comes that mother of a drop.

I think allot of people have a misperception about dating in the gay world – They stand at a distance, admiring the rollercoaster and think to themselves how much fun it must be to actually ride it, blissfully ignoring the screams of the riders – not even glancing twice at the warning sign telling them that the park will not be responsible for any injury.

Finding variety is a thing of the past when gay dating runs on a pre-determined track. Sure – the firsts few times are really enjoyable and give you a few thrills, as you meet new people, experience new things - and as the ride ends you rush back to the start of the que to ride again. But after a few times the ride isn’t so much fun anymore – You know where every twist and turn is, you anticipate every drop and when it’s all over you are left feeling nauseous and exhausted. I have gotten on that ride many times, enjoyed the first few thrills and surprises, but to be honest – I have reached the point of exhaustion – where one more ride might just lead to nausea.

Many people have shared their input with me, regarding what role your looks play in finding the type of guy that fits your image of the perfect man. Let me explain this by referring to that same rollercoaster. You arrive at the front of the line, subtly check out your reflection at the operating booth window (okay, maybe I’m the only one that does that) and then you get on the ride. The point is that it really doesn’t matter what you looked like before you got into your seat – because when that camera snaps a picture of you at the first drop – you’re going to look like crap no matter how you spin it. And that’s okay – you purchase the picture anyway, not because you liked the way your face looked, but because it holds a special memory, possibly with the person that was sitting next to you. The way someone looks is a very important part of starting a relationship as it’s all about attraction and chemistry, but after a while you start to look past all that – you get to wake up next to someone and still find yourself madly in love with them even though their teeth aren’t brushed and their hair is a mess. At first you fall in love with what you can see, what a person looks like and what they choose to show you, but after a while you start to love with more than your eyes, you start to love with your heart – The unfortunate truth is, that although this is exactly how I function, other good looking men do not and for those, the ride will be at it’s best before the photo is even taken.

At a mere 23 people look at me and ask how can I be so opinionated – so cynical to everyone around me. I respond by saying that I wish someone had told me all these things before I started dating men – Although I am pleased with the experiences I have had, it has left me wondering what advantages being gay really holds for someone. Most good looking men are like thrill junkies (read: junkies) who are always looking for the next big thing. I hear it time and time again – How after as little as a few months one partner decides to stray in search of the next big thing. You’d think the other party would choose not to stand for it, but the truth is that gay dating is so daunting, so time consuming and at the end of the day utterly soul diminishing that one would rather stay in the relationship than have to go to the back of the que to ride again.

From the outside the gay world can look like a fun ride – although the reality leaves much to be desired. When everyone else is giving a less than stellar performance I find it hard pressed to even care enough to try. After all, I was a rollercoaster enthusiast once upon a time – but now I find myself refunding my admission fee…

Sad endings and new beginnings

For those of you who read my very first blog entry – I talked about how I met the man of my dreams and how I promised to wait for him, till he was in the right space to pursue a relationship with me. A few days ago I had a very real conversation with him – He told me how good he felt to finally be free after years of being married. Not knowing much about the gay world he would like to find out who he is, to explore what’s out there and to discover what it is he wants. After all – what would be the point to end one relationship just to jump into another. I couldn’t understand why he would give up on us, something that wasn’t broken and didn’t need fixing – he replied in response of my first post “the list”. Telling me that I have lived, I have found myself and I have learned enough from the gay world to write that list – How he would also like to be able to say he lived, that he explored what’s out there and finally write a list of his very own.

Even though it makes me very sad that I have to let go of someone that I cared for so deeply, I know deep down that he is doing the right thing – that he will emerge on the other side, even stronger and more amazing than he is now. I don’t know if our paths will cross in the future, all that I hope for is that his journey will be filled with amazing people, people who will show him the kindness and love that he deserves, that will see the gentleness in him and know never to take him for granted.

I’m tearing up as I’m writing this not only because I have lost out on love, but because I have to insert myself into the gay world once more – To make myself available and wade through a huge number of men who simply do not meet my needs and what I’m searching for in a relationship.

I know I always talk about how I could have any man I want and although that may be true – I do not want any man. It is always hard to meet men. Sure, there is clubbing, online dating and if you’re like me even a random hello to a stranger in the shopping centre (I wouldn’t attempt that last one if your gaydar isn’t spot on though.) With the marvels of modern technology, the dating world has become like a shopping brochure. You can go online and browse through thousands of single men – making choices on colour, size and even price range. I never have found any of this very appealing, the idea of dating someone that has their picture splashed all over a website somewhere for others to fawn over really does put me off. After all, you don’t want to date every man’s man – a relationship is sacred and should be treated as such. Then again there are those who approach online dating with dignity – opting for a coffee date rather than cyber sex, or only sending a face pic on request.

I know I’ve always done the best I could in my relationships – I know I’ve always been selfless, caring and kind, that I’ve always put the other persons needs before mine and always strived to make them happy. As such I can look back and say that I do not regret doing the things I did and having the experiences I had. It is true that the pain one feels after a relationship has ended is excruciating, but at the end of the day the time you were able to spend with the one you loved and all the happiness you shared – far outweighs the pain. All we can do is move forward, embrace the pain and never forget the times we were held, we were safe, we were loved…

- To me he will always be my big man -

Of Racehorses and Donkeys

Ever heard the expression that every relationship comprises of one racehorse and one donkey? I mean, if you put two racehorses in the same stable - they'd kick the shit out of each other. Just look at Tom and Nicole, Bruce and Demi – the list goes on. But now that begs the question – which one are you, the racehorse or the donkey?

This question is extremely hard for me to answer, because I certainly am not a donkey – which would make me a racehorse, but that would mean that I would have to date a donkey. See the problem? I believe that this expression would in the traditional sense refer to success and which person in the relationship is the breadwinner. That’s all well and good, but doesn’t really apply to me. Now contradictory to what you may have assumed about me in previous posts, I’m not looking for a man to support me financially – and while I’m still looking for a successful man, in a relationship it’s not a competition between whon is better looking, who can make more money or who has the most pull in a relationship for that matter.

For me the expression means something deeper – for me it refers to emotional wealth. I would have to say that emotionally I am very strong and while wisdom may come with age, maturity does not. I might only be 23 on the outside, but have the maturity of a 30 year old. I have heard it so many times – that I am an extremely sorted young man, that I know exactly what I want and where I’m going. So that has to make me a racehorse right?

Well no, it’s not that simple – allow me to explain. Given my state of emotional maturity I also seek a man with the same level of maturity, someone that, to me, feels like we are connecting on the same level. Another racehorse then? So it seems like we are back at the start with some violent horse on horse action - not quite. Remember when I said one shouldn’t compromise – well, I was revering to the type of man you would like to date (emphasis on would like to). So now that you have the man of your dreams the hard part begins. A relationship isn’t a walk in the park – It is full of compromises around every corner, after all, relationships are at their best when both parties are happy. I believe this is something I do very well in a relationship – For what makes me the happiest is to see my partner happy, even if it means that I have to compromise on what I want.

What I’m trying to say is that it is possible for two racehorses to be in a relationship – It’s all about balance. I can’t be strong all the time – it’s not humanly possible, and in those times I would like to have someone to hold and care for me as I play the role of the donkey so to speak, just as I would do the same for my partner. In the gay world people are so use to labelling others and then placing them into a certain box, but just because that’s the way it is doesn’t mean that that’s the way it should be. People can’t be defined as one thing or another – we are complex beings, we adapt to our environment and what is a relationship if not another unique environment.

*Dry clean only

Ever notice how many limitations are put on the way you care for your clothes - But who really takes the time to read the label anyway. The same thing applies to the gay world – Let’s say you’re reading the paper while having a coffee at the local Vida Café, you spot a really good looking guy sitting a few tables away. What do you do? A.) You can’t contain yourself and pounce all over him. B.) You play it cool, smile and wait for him to make the first move. C.) You forget there’s an option B and pounce anyway. The correct answer would be – Read the label!

Now while option B may seem like the best thing to do in this situation – it very rarely shows results since the other guy will probably also pick option B resulting in two very good looking men staring at each other for the best part of the morning. The first thing to do would be to figure out exactly what his label says, it will entail how he would like to be handled – so keep your hormones in check and read it!

It might say - I’ve just gotten out of a five year relationship and I’m just looking for some fun, it might say - he’s really cute and I wouldn’t mind getting to know him, hell it might even say – I can’t stand homosexuals but my therapist says I should just control my anger and smile. So it should be very clear that misreading a label can land you in a very difficult situation. But this dilemma works both ways – You need to make damn sure what it is your own label actually reads, since the hardest thing is not to figure out what the other person wants, but to decide what it is that you want. Have you healed after your previous break-up, are you mature enough to handle casual sex without getting attached – These things should be considered carefully.

The most common problem in gay society is that people are very unclear on what they want – the phrase “let’s take it slow and see what happens” is one to be very weary of as it usually means that the other person is not ready to enter into a relationship with you. I’m not saying that nothing can come from taking things at a slow pace, but the first few weeks of a relationship are crucial as this is the time wherein you get to know each other and whether or not you would be compatible to pursue a long term relationship – meeting for a drink once every two weeks certainly won’t do. You’re time is just as valuable as someone else’s, so decide if he is worth taking a chance on and waiting for – otherwise move on.

As useful as reading a label can be, it only provides short term clarity. As per my previous post, a label wouldn’t be able to tell you if someone is successful by the clothes they wear (I wouldn’t advise following him to his car to see what he drives as stalking is a major turn off), labels also don’t say much about someone’s personality, as wanting to have a relationship is not a personality trait. With all these things to consider – where do you start.

In my experience it’s better to discard the label all together, take a chance and leap – Choose option A and walk over to the handsome man in the corner, introduce yourself irrelevant of what you think you may know about him. Who cares if he shoots you down, tomorrow there will be another good looking guy sitting right there in the same spot.

I need a Rolex to know what the time is

A Question I get asked allot is whether I would date a man who isn’t very good looking, but has allot of money – or a very good looking man who has very little money. I usually respond by saying that it’s not the fact that someone has money that makes them attractive, it’s the reason they have money that does. I have always had a weakness for successful men – men that have worked hard to be where they are today and that is exactly why they have the money to show for it.

Someone very close to my heart once told me that success isn’t always measured in the amount of money that you’ve been able to make throughout your live – that there are plenty of ways to show your success. I am in two minds about the matter – wouldn’t you want to better yourself or your life as you get more successful? Wouldn’t you want to live in a nice house and drive a nice car – because I’m sure 99% of people would answer yes to that question and that alone should make you wonder if saying “I am successful, but the money isn’t all that important” maybe is just a nicer way of saying “I’m not really all that successful yet…”

As to whether I would choose a man with money above one with looks – I would not. For me it is the whole package. Partake in it all or have none of it seems to be the way I approach so many things in life. Growing up I remember asking my mother to buy me a certain type of lets say ice cream – I like chocolate and vanilla (no pun intended), but not strawberry. She is the type of person who would compromise and buy strawberry if they were out of chocolate and vanilla. So although I’m grateful that she made the effort to go to the store, I’m not happy with the compromise – I would rather have done without the ice cream all together than have to eat something I dislike. The same thing applies here – I’d like to date a specific type of guy or rather not date at all.

I’m not being bias by saying this as the same principle most probably applies to all other men – They may either like what I have to offer or they might not. Some may even be willing to compromise – but that alone tells me that they are not the type of guy for me. I don’t think anyone should ever look at their partner and think that they could have done better, irrelevant of whether or not they could. For me – I look at how attractive someone is, whether they are successful and then comes the personality. I wouldn’t date a man with just one or two of these things, because to me all three are important.

It is of course very important to take each guy on a case to case basis – Some men compensate for their looks with a nice car, others think that a gorgeous face will land them a well paid acting career. Spotting these flaws in human behaviour has always been essential for me in finding the right guy. There is just something about meeting a handsome, successful, kind and loving man that likes you for you – and when he tells you how amazing you are, you know it’s real, because he is at the top of his game, he could have chosen anyone else, but he chose you. Nothing in the world comes close to that feeling.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to go out and explore what combination of looks, success and personality makes your perfect man, but I can assure you that when one is missing, the other two will never be able to compensate – So I dare you to say these three sentences to yourself now : “I don’t want a man that is good looking” “I don’t want a successful man” “I don’t want a man with an amazing personality” – I bet if you just said that you might be thinking twice about a relationship you’re in or one you want to be in. I’m not saying that you should nit pick on looks like I do - as I’m specific on height, hair length, teeth and hands.

So if I can leave you with one last thought it would be to never compromise, know your worth and tell yourself you deserve the man of your dreams – there will always be someone better out there, but the question is whether or not you will find them in your lifetime – So appreciate what you have without having to compromise and your happy ending is right around the corner…

The List

I have no Idea how to start writing this – so I’ll start from the beginning. I’m a 22 (soon to be 23) year old gay man. My sexuality has never been an issue for me since I’ve always known that I was gay and made peace with it at a very young age. I’m not an openly gay man, nor am I still in the closet – but to anyone who would pass me in the street, I look like an ordinary straight man. The only thing that surpassed my seemingly impossible desires for what I wanted in the future was my drive to make them a reality. Although I've always been a loner, I yearned to find a man who would seemingly complete me. I’ve always been a firm believer that you have to know exactly what you want in order to get exactly what you want.  So I decided to write the list...

The heading read: “I want to meet a man and become his boyfriend, this man must be:” – Note how I used the word “must”. It just reiterated that I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn’t willing to settle or compromise for anything less. The list contained 10 key attributes that this man would have to posses in order for me to want to have a relationship with him. You may ask how can I be this specific, this uncompromising about someone I expect to meet and fall in love with – the answer being that I know myself very well, so well in fact that I know exactly what I’m worth and exactly what I deserve.

The thing is that I despise going out to a gay bar to meet men – to be treated like a piece of meat or a fancy sports car on auction. For I would be considered a sports car to the men who know what I look like – just flip through a magazine – I’m the hot guy modelling the designer yeans with a pensive look on his face. Get the picture now? The only thing that separates me from an airhead model is just that – I’m not an airhead. I have one of the most sought after degrees in one of the most sought after industries. Now before you stop reading because I sound like a vain prick, give me a chance to explain.

I realised from a very young age that you can’t rely on your looks to get you through life – I’ve always treated people with the respect they deserved and I never thought that I was better than the next, but that doesn’t mean that I should settle for the next. I built myself - emotionally, intellectually and physically – those attributes belong to me, they are mine and just like them, my desires are mine. I could have written anything on that list and nobody would have had the right to judge me, because that is what I wanted - for me.

Needless to say, things happen when you least expect them. As I mentioned before, I hate going to gay bars to meet men, so I decided to try the online thing, not that I was expecting anything to come from it – after all, there is always a reason why people hide behind computer screens. One night I ended up chatting to a guy in his 30's… sorry, that’s all I got out of him – his age. No pics, no name. But the thing that made the idea of a possible meeting even more absurd to me was the fact that… Well he was married. I don’t quite know what came over me that night, but I decided to humour him and so we arranged to meet at a very established whiskey bar. I was at a complete disadvantage since he had seen pictures of my face and he knew my name – The plan was that he would recognise me and introduce himself. And that is exactly what happened although nothing could have quite prepared me for what I found that night.

He was the most handsome man that I had ever seen – he was very confident and completely straight acting, he had an amazing smile and big (and at that time I imagined rather soft) hands. In retrospect he had already hit the mark on 5 out of the 10 attributes on the list. We sat there for about two hours, just chatting about our lives and what we thought we wanted out of them. He gradually felt more comfortable with me and I was able to get his name and surname. I remember telling him that I really expected him to be a mess because he was a closeted married man. He explained to me that he had been aware of his sexuality for quite some time and that he had come out to his wife almost a year prior – he felt as though he needed to explore this side of him to find out what he wanted out of life and where he belonged. There was an instant attraction between us and on more than one occasion I would catch him staring at my eyes. I remember scrutinising him closely, from his face to his chest to the beaded string tied around his right hand – the very same one I am now wearing on my left. Perhaps the most vivid thing I remember was me telling myself “don’t fall in love with him – he’s married, you’re going to get hurt”, but like so many things in life, some things just happen.

Over the next month we spend rather allot of time together (although we only saw each other about three times a week, he gave me more attention and quality time than I have had in any of my prior 3 relationships.) I remember him asking me several times if I thought he was enough for me, I always said yes although he was always very hesitant to believe me – then one night I remembered that I had written a list. I took it out and we read it together on my bed. I hadn’t looked at it in ages and couldn’t even remember what it said anymore. Reading over it once more I realised that this was him, the man sitting next to me on the bed was the man I had been dreaming of for such a long time, the man I had been hoping would come and sweep me off my feet.

I’ve never really liked buying people gifts as it seemed very impersonal, I’m also a professional artist on the side so I enjoyed making things for him – Origami frogs stuffed with little love notes, 36 Chinese lucky stars with caring thoughts I had of him in the last 36 hours, but the most meaningful gift I made for him was a beautiful sketch of two hands cradling something and how it symbolised how I promised to hold him in my hands like sand, not squeezing too tightly or the sand would come spilling out the sides. Although all these things were very time consuming to make, I loved making them – because I was making it for him and knew that he would find them special.

Sometimes people get so caught up in their own lives that they forget to show love to those around them. After all – at the end of the day he is still a married man. Last week he told me that it would be best if we didn’t pursue this any further, for he was developing true feelings for me. Something I didn’t quite grasp at first, but then realised that he can’t live in two worlds. He would want nothing more than to give me the love and attention that I deserve, but right now, at this stage in his life – he can’t.

I know what you’re going to say – I’m still young and I’ll find someone better, but the truth is that you’re wrong. For I’m a very good looking guy and I’d be right in saying that there are very few men that wouldn’t be ecstatic to date me. The truth is that the gay world (haha – that’s actually an ironic statement, because the gay world is anything but gay) is a place filled with men who have no self worth, who move from bed to bed, man to man and conveniently medicate themselves with all kinds of substances as soon as this reality starts to sink in for them, it’s vain and cold and filled with people with so many unresolved issues that they are left empty shells of their former selves. So again I say no, no I won’t find anyone else that fits my needs, because he is the most amazing, caring and loving person that I have ever known – He has a gentleness to him that makes me feel like nothing bad could ever happen to me while he’s with me…

We met one last time on Sunday at the place it all began. I asked if we cold drive up the mountain and watch the city lights below, since he never wanted me to drive up there alone. He was always very protective of me, I always found it very sweet that he cared so much. We had gone up there once before and it is still one of the happiest memories I have. There I gave him the last gift I made. It was a paper globe I designed containing the two fortunes we got from the fortune cookies we had a few weeks ago and a note that read as follows:

“When you find a man that makes you smile, makes you happy, makes you completely calm inside when you think of him and feel safer than you ever have when he holds you – You don’t just let that man walk out of your life. You fight for him without expecting anything in return. You wait, you hold out - until just maybe, one day, he turns around and says thank you, thank you for sticking with me, thank you for not giving up.”

“When I realised that, I realised that I had to put my wants aside, that I was willing to give up my own fortune – if it meant that you could have yours, if it meant that one day you could have that happy ending you missed out on the first time around. And maybe, just maybe one day you’d turn around and thank me for waiting, for sticking around, for not giving up on what I believed to be my very own happy ending.”

The truth is that you can’t trap someone in a relationship they ultimately don’t want to be in – It reminds me of the phrase “If you love something – set it free…” So I decided to wait, to hope that one day I could have my happy ending with him. I would give him as much time as he needs to figure out where he wants to be in life – He has taken the first steps towards his goal as he has started telling people about his sexuality. Words can’t even describe how proud I am of him for having the courage to do so. He has plotted his course and although the time frame is unknown, I feel that the wait will be well worth while. I would be losing time I could have spent pursuing meaningless relationships in this fickle gay world we live in, but I would be gaining the man of my dreams. I would be gaining every word on my list…