Love conditionally

This morning when I went to the store I saw a chocolate I haven’t had since I was a kid – having memories of how good it tasted, I couldn’t resist buying it. Taking the first bite, I expected it to be sweet, to take me back to my childhood when I enjoyed it so – But the reality left much to be desired. Instead I was left with the taste of an artificial reproduction of a once wonderful thing – you see, like so many things over the last few years, the candy industry too has sold out. With inflation and competitive markets being what they are these days – everyone wants to be in the better position and make a profit, replacing ingredients and labour with cheaper, more cost effective alternatives. This ultimately results in a product that is neither desirable, nor enjoyable and at the end of the day, utterly worthless.

The same can be seen in the gay world of today – what was once a wondrous expression of love between two human beings has transgressed into little more than a consumer product – causing our wants to far outweigh our needs. Today it is harder to be a gay man in society than ever before. If you had to compare it to a time when being openly gay was not acceptable – where two people whom found one another would be so grateful for each day that they could spend together, because they knew what they had wasn’t the norm, it was something spectacularly special and had to be cherished. But things have changed – a huge amount of profit is being made off the gay community, being clubs, online dating and spas that cater specifically to our “needs”. Finding a date for Friday night requires little more than a few clicks of the mouse and perhaps a well edited profile.

We simply do not appreciate the people in our lives anymore, looking at what we could have rather than what we have now. I will be the first to come forward and admit that I am one of those people – I remember being in a previous relationship with a man who clearly adored me, who wanted nothing more than my happiness. But it turned out I was no different to any of the other consumers, looking at the other products on display. You see, I though I could do better, I thought that I deserved more – and one day I left, thinking that with my looks, my smarts and my personality I could have any other man I wanted. But I failed to take into account today’s failing economy – where men are in fact made up of inferior quality ingredients and below par labour, no matter how attractive the packaging looks.

We all tell our partners that we love them, that we care for them and we will always protect them, but these are all lies. Because when the relationship ends and even before, we are cushioned by the idea that there will be twenty other men lined up and ready to take the last one’s place. I don’t even remember the last time I spoke to my ex, the man I said I loved, that I cared for and that I would protect. Being single for almost two years now has given me plenty of time to think about these things – assuring myself that I would do things right the next time around, that I would never again take a man for granted. And although this honest approach has left me with so much heartache the last few months I can only hope that I will one day find a man with the same honesty in his heart.

At the end of the day we are all heartless – we leave the ones we once loved behind in search for the possibility of something more, we say that we still care and that we are still there, but we don’t and we are not – we are liars. I do sometimes wonder if life wouldn’t perhaps have been easier if being gay was still unacceptable, still frowned upon – Because then, when you found someone you really cared for, when you told them you loved them and when you promised to protect them – You might actually have meant it.

Taking the leap

Someone recently commented on one of my posts explaining how they didn’t quite know how they, after all the pain and disappointment in their lives, could move forward. I myself have been confronted with this question – being referred to as still being young, that my life will be filled with so much more disappointment and heartache.

“Learn from your mistakes and move forward” seems to be a phrase thrown around all too often. Learn from what exactly? That all nice guys turn out to be liars? That giving a relationship your all only leads to disappointment? There really is nothing to learn from, at least not anything you can apply in a future relationship since no two people are the same – you are left back at the start with no consolation prize – Face it, you lost. Of course it does all depend on how much you invested in the relationship to start with. I find that very few people give relationships their all, as if refusing to commit to what may or may not happen – Then there are others who invest way too much and it is they whom are left destroyed when a relationship doesn’t work out, while the other party walks away with little more than a few restaurant bills. But how do you get on with your life, how do you once again risk your love and your sanity for the possibility of a happy ending.

I doubt there are any people who can’t find at least one or two scars on their body somewhere. I know I have my fair share, and looking at one of them will naturally trigger a memory of the time you attained it. Just like the scar, the memory will never fade – It will be a part of you until the day you die. The same can be said about emotional scars – no matter how hard you try and conceal them, they will still remain visible. Sure plastic surgeons can lesson the appearance of a scar, just as a phycologist can lesson an emotional one. But scars are for the most part – permanent.

And yet we are still told that falling and getting hurt is a part of life, that you need to pick yourself up and try again, but did you bother to look at how beat up I actually am after that fall? I am not disputing that people don’t get hurt, but that doesn’t mean that it is a natural progression. I know I’m young, but life isn’t a competition to see how many times you can have your heart broken, the challenge is in finding the right guy and avoiding the process all together. I often dream of the day when I will be able to step off my ledge, without having to worry that I will smash into the pavement below – that maybe, just this one time, someone will catch me. Although it’s true that scars build character and are regarded as sexy, too many can be rather unsightly – and that idea has been stopping me from stepping off the ledge lately.

In a way I consider myself lucky – There are in fact those who don’t open their hearts, who dangle their feet off the edge, but are too chicken shit to jump down. To be honest, I pity those, because I know that in opening my heart and giving it my all, in closing my eyes and taking the leap – that I am a hell of a lot closer to finding love than they will ever be.